Follow the Rabbit

Wow I’m behind in my blog huh? Well lets see if I can get a few out tonight. Consider it over due homework.

So onto the question, “What song’s lyrics so accurately describe you or a period in your life that you could’ve written it yourself?”

I’m assuming everyone is familiar with the band Jimmy Eat World? They put out an album called “Bleed American”. From there, the song “The Middle” went on to become a hit back in 2002 (has it been that long??). This was back in the middle of my what the heck is wrong with me phase. I wasn’t dating, was resigned to be a single crazy cat woman and was rather content on being a hermit.

I heard this song though, and it rather gave me hope. Every time I feel down on myself, this song manages to pop up some how. Heck I even find myself humming it when I feel down. Read the lyrics, maybe you’ll see what I mean?

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head you feel left out
Or looked down on
Just try your best, try everything you can
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves
When you’re away.

It just takes some time, little girl in the middle of the ride (over, and over)
Everything, everything will be just fine (over, and over) Everything, everything it’ll be alright (alright)

Hey, you know they’re all the same
You know you’re doing better on your own (on your own)
So don’t buy in.
Live right now
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough
For someone else

It just takes some time, little girl you’re in the middle of the ride (over, and over)
Everthing, everything it’ll be just fine (over, and over) Everything, everything it’ll be alright (alright)
It just takes some time, little girl you’re in the middle of the ride (over, and over)
Everything, everything it’ll be just fine (over, and over) Everything, everything it’ll be alright (alright)

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head you feel left out
Or looked down on
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don’t you worry what the bitter hearts, are gonna say

It just takes some time, little girl you’re in the middle of the ride (over, and over)
Everything, everything it’ll be just fine (over, and over) Everything, everything it’ll be alright (alright).
It just takes some time, little girl you’re in the middle of the ride (over, and over)
Everything, everything It’ll be just fine (over, and over)
Everything, everything it’ll be alright (alright)

This topic comes from the E-Hell bloggers topics.  If you’ve like to read more on this topic, please see my blog roll.  They’re wonderful people with seriously awesome things to say!  Not kidding here, I think I’ve learned something by reading each of them. 

I have been thinking about this topic for a few days now.  How does one put into writing that they live a boring 126 miles away from where they grew up?  I mean, that is just sheer boring.  I’ve been batting around in my head how to make it entertaining but there really is no way to do it that I’d want to read.

And then I was sent a sign.  *cue ominous music and such*

I’m not one for religion but I know when the Creator sends road blocks and signs.  Silly I know but that’s just me.  Some day I may go into it, just trust a newbie blogger (to this site) when I say there are reasons we get writer’s block and when we feel inspired to write.  Tonight this topic touched me in a big way.

As stated, I live about 126 miles from my home town.  I know I haven’t delved into the “About Me” section yet and I apologize.  I come from a small town of 1300 people.  Oddly enough, we are the largest in our county!  Those of you who come from a small town will understand what I’m talking about and can skip the next paragraph or so.  Those of you from a bigger city?  Pay attention.

I used to hate the fact that I was from a small town.  You couldn’t sneeze with out your parents finding out before you did!  Gossip passed that fast, literally.  If you wanted to know what was going on, all you had to do was go to the local bakery, bar or lunch dive to find out.  There was, if you will, an unofficial phone tree in town.  Someone would see what was going on, they’d call their friend, who would call their friends and next thing you know your mom is accosting you in the hall before 4th period and asking you why you looked at so and so funny!  Did I mention that my mom subbed at our high school?  Yeah.

So when I graduated High School, I faced a huge decision.  I had scholarships to a variety of schools here in the mid west.  Heck I even had a piano scholarship to a rather great college in Chicago.  Why did I put it off?  Omaha was only 126 rough miles from my family.

As a dear friend told me, move far enough away where they can’t just drop in yet close enough that they can be there in a heart beat if you have an emergency.  Nothing confirmed this as much as when I had my DVT.  I had never been so scared in my life as from the time I got a hold of my mom (stupid school she taught for) til the time she made it to my hospital room.  As much as people made fun of us for our relationship, just knowing she was on her way made things better.  Life had always been like that.

And then she died.  Suddenly those 126 rough miles took 10 hours to travel.  Not literally of course but I felt horrid I was so far away.  I know there was nothing I could have done but there is that nagging.  What if I hadn’t moved away, maybe I could have helped some how?  Guilt is a killer even a year and some months out.

So brings us to why I feel compelled to write tonight.  My dear best friend from elementary through high school on brought me sad news this morning.  Her dad finally passed after about 2 years of a darned good fight with cancer.  I know this sounds selfish but my mind flashed to when mom died.  Suddenly I’m again a VERY long 126 rough miles from where she and her family is.  She is also a very long 15 miles from where her dad and mom are.  There is no difference.

Talking to her again tonight, she was saying almost the exact things I was (difference was mom’s was pretty fast verses her dad’s cancer).  What if this, what if that?  Yeah we’re hanging in there, we’ll be ok.  No sweety, tell me what I can do for you guys seriously.  I know I’m 126 rough miles away but what do you need?  I can cook meals, pick up stuff for you, it’s only a quick trip to you all really, it’s not that far!  I’m only a phone call away, I am here for you, please let me help you through this ok?  I can’t get out of my commitments til Sunday but I will be there for you, you just need to let me know.  I swear if you need me at 3am, I am there.

Suddenly, those miles aren’t that far but they are still so very huge.  I know Sunday those miles will take forever as I will be thinking of her dad and how awesome he was.  I’ll be feeling sortof what she is, all those danged “How, what if, if only, I can’t believe” questions that she’s dealing with.   I’ve been there, heck I’m still dealing with them.  A rough 126 miles from my home town.  We’re miles apart and yet so close.  Close enough for an emergency eh?

Bless Darling Husband, he sees death in such a different way.  He’s trying to understand where I’m coming from but right now it’s so hard for him.  It’s not that he doesn’t care, he does!!  He is just attempting to understand from where I’m coming from in a logical place.  Sadly, my emotions don’t translate into logic very well.  I need to feel the whole grief process or else I’m lost.  He sees death as very black and white.  It’s a learning process for the both of us.  I am sad that he can’t make it to the visitation/funeral with me but with such short notice, I understand.

Again I mention I’m blessed with a very understanding boss.  Technically this isn’t a family loss but he realizes that this is a family loss for us.  I grew up with these people, they were parents when they didn’t have to be (as were mine to them).  He realizes small town versus large town perspectives on death and for that I am greatful.

So 126 rough miles from my home town, my family.  Far enough to avoid random drop ins, far enough that you just can’t help but make it 126 miles later for an emergency.  I feel sad.